What was going to be a multichapter blog expression has turned to, well this… I’m grateful for how the healing process unravels. I felt so much, and still do. But I decided not to tease out this story of a broken heart chapter by chapter. A new wave washed that desire away. And what is left is a blog on this page. I’m perfectly okay with giving it only that much. Because after all, why would I want to, again, and again, give my attention to something or rather someone who is not worthy of my energy today.
Let’s take it from the beginning…Love is beautiful. Sometimes it whips you up so unexpectedly, so magically, that you feel like all God’s blessings have been stowed upon you. It feels as if you’re among the stars. Like your swimming in warm waters of lust and pleasure. You feel so special. So understood. And like absolutely nothing can break it. Life seems easy and there is beauty everywhere in the world. You want to cry of happiness for all the blessings, and thank God for gifting you with such extraordinary love. Ahhh, Yes. Love!
Him and I were in it. In the sweetness and joy. And I truly believed in the magic of our love. I was sure he’s the one… Until, well, things were not so wonderful. Until, things begin to change drastically.
The other side of him showed up in glimpses. Crumb by crumb my heart was being chipped away from my center. It began with arguments. I felt judged and criticised for what seemed like everything. I would say the wrong things. I wasn’t good at communicating. My parenting style was being under scrutiny, (yet, he has no children.) My family and friends are not his people… I’m not a true artist because I don’t do it everyday. I live by how life looks, not how it feels! I’m like an alcoholic because I don’t listen to what he tells me about who I am and how to change. Literally, this came out of this person’s mouth… Not only were these words hurtful, they destroyed my being. My soul and heart were barely alive. My friends and family held space for my grievances, but grew quite worried. They urged me to leave. They try to convince me I’m worthy of better and more stable love. I didn’t listen.
Why was it so difficult to leave? I am, after all, an intelligent, independent and strong woman! It felt complicated. I was told how much I was loved. I was being manipulated with tears, songs and poems written just for me. His spiritual practices too, entangled me. I believed in his guru-ness and talent. His wisdom and lifestyle. Oh, the emotions were so deep, like lava in the earth’s crust. I was under his emotional control. And I couldn’t break free.
It took me a while to learn that what he represented was a fake facade. He taught, and preached and convinced everyone of his holiness. His yoga studio (which I helped build), too was and still is a place of worship, but not the practice, it’s a place to admire him. He loves his own voice and when people listen, well, that’s his true stage. Everything is a performance. The ego lives there under the blanket of sound journeys, cacao ceremonies, lush plants, candles, crystals and yoga teachings. What I know is that, you can regurgitate what you read, but can you live by those same words? Emotional intelligence is very different from emotional maturity.
I tried hard to stop this on and off relationship. After all, I broke up with him twice! Instinctively I know that HE IS BAD FOR ME. But somehow, I was always pulled back in. I wanted it to work. I wanted it so badly, for me, for my kids. He knew everything about my life, my family, my friends. I was attached. No doubt.
However, every time we got back together, I wanted to be more authentic, so I began to speak up. But that was labeled as “arguing,” and things would shift even more. He was losing control over me. And grew unhappy, expressing his frustration with my resistance to change. He said, he can’t be himself with me. HA! But you see, he was himself. Angry, distant, controlling and manipulative. He would say, “Your reality isn’t real, it’s an illusion, I’m telling you what is real!”
The truth was, it was me who wasn’t able to be myself. I cried night after night trying to understand what I did or said that was wrong. I cried more in this relationship than I cried what seemed my whole life. He absolutely broke me into pieces. He took every part of me that I honored and loved, and he shredded them. I was nothing. I was unlovable. I was no one.
It was a very difficult journey to healing. I looked for comfort everywhere- therapy, books, meditation, journaling, self reflection and lots and lots of self love. The more I healed the more I realized this man is not who he says he is, beginning with the fact that he doesn’t go by his real name. That in itself reveals plenty. He made up a character and lives in that persona. Ha! How authentic, right? An actor, a musician, turned yogi…guru! A spiritual man on a path to enlightenment… And yet, no one knows him, the way I do. After all, three plus years is a long time… Seeing how he acted in front of people, but behind closed doors talked differently about them. His multiple personalities would come out of nowhere. I used to think that he must be bipolar. It was surreal.
It wasn’t only me who experienced a different version of his behavior. Others saw it too. They saw how it was affecting me and destroying me. I didn’t know how to escape. I became anxious and depressed. I grew afraid of him. His reaction would blow up in my face. All was fine one minute, and the next, all was hell. He became angry with me about things I didn’t understand.
Why tell this story? Because my feelings matter and I certainly matter. Writing is part of my healing. It has always been my refuge, and here is the place where my experience finds its voice. Maybe someone will find comfort in it. Maybe someone will hear a whisper “no more” in their own life. I don’t know what will happen—but I do know this: I wish for every woman, man, every human being, to remember that joy and love are waiting on the other side of pain. Only if you find the courage to love again. To lean into the unknown and the discomfort. Moving forward with grace and compassion is part of the process of mending what is broken inside.
You will heal. You will meet people who show you kindness and who accept you exactly as you are—the lovely and the not-so-lovely sides. Because after all, we are all human. We are all just walking each other home.
Blessings. Blessing. Blessings.
Love does win.
