Last Thursday, December 3rd, marked another year of my mother’s passing. I carried her with me through out the day. I felt a little sad.. a little quiet.. a little lonely. But even with those internal emotions, I mostly experienced a warm presence. She’s with me, I know…
I like going to the cemetery. I know that most people do not. But I find it relaxing. It’s a place like no other. There is a sense of a physical heaviness that grounds the body, yet the air seems lighter and slower… I didn’t stay for long, though I wish I did.
I usually visit my mother’s grave after church. But I haven’t been attending mass as often as I would like to, or need to. Church is another of those places that aids in finding balance… The holy word, the quiet space, the silent prayer… Church has been the setting for many of my dreams. There are usually other individuals with me. Important people who show up to tell me something. Though, I’m never quite sure what that might be.
If going to church is thought of as a tradition, then it’s one I like to keep. Part of the reason is that I want my daughter to have a sense of her family’s faith. It gives her a foundation to be a believer. Later in life, it’ll be her choice to follow it or not. Even though there are parts of Catholicism that I do not agree with; it’s Jesus’ teachings and journey that hold importance to me. I interpret the word in a way which makes sense to me, making me probably not a true Catholic. But, then again, are there any left anyways?
This past Sunday’s reading was valuable as well. I listen and draw my own conclusion. As the priest speaks to his parishioners, I hear something different. 21:25-28, 34-36.
So, while contemplating on life, I remembered another meaningful message. On that somber Thursday, I received an email from one of my friends. He shared a podcast, thinking I might appreciate it. I did. It’s amazing… life, and the little surprises that can make a huge shift in one’s energy. The content of the recording was also a nice surprise. Two authors, who’s work I know and think is quite good, are having a discussion. However, it’s not just any discussion. They offer advice and share ideas. Some of the topics they talk about, sounded very familiar because it echoed the content of my past writings. It was validating to know that acclaimed writers speak of what I speak of. Hey, maybe my ideas are not so unique after all, or the opposite, they are so unique that only published writers get to talk about it. Ha! I wish that was so… In any case, their words of wisdom resonated, leaving another question: What’s next? I’m enjoying my life. At this very moment all is well. Yet, I push forward with the same question, and receive the same answer.
If I want to do more, then what exactly is more? Doctorate degree? A business woman? Event planner? Writer? Professional artist? Bigger family? Charity or other None Profit Organization leader? Moving somewhere far from here? Escaping has been the fantasy of many people. Starting new. No past, no future, just the present moment, and whatever the day brings. But really, shouldn’t we strive to live is such way anywhere? Even in the most boring town in CT, one should be able to find a sense of gratitude. But it isn’t just that, I guess. It’s when your true self is reaching for something that is far beyond the known.
Is any of this possible? Too many options. Too much to grasp. What’s worst is that they’re all over the map. So, I’m going to do the best next thing. This is the big one. The really Big One. Ready? Here is my answer: Do Absolutely NOTHING! When you know you know. When you don’t you don’t. And right now, I just don’t know…
When one does nothing in particular, very particular things always seem to happen. So, lets see what will find its way this time around. I’m sure, it’ll be totally unexpected and very Amazing!